As 2009 draws to a close and 2010 dawns, we are surrounded by a myriad of holidays: Hanukah, Ras as-Sana, Solstice, Christmas, Kwanzaa and Ashura. We are immersed in rebirth, miracle and thanksgiving. I, for one, could not be happier for that.
So I am happy and grateful for a time of year that reminds me about the possibility of new beginnings, the nearness of wonder, and the importance of being appreciative. I find it very important as the new year approaches to take time to evaluate what has happened over the past year to see what I have learned and what the big picture is.
I fully admit to being resolutely optimistic, something born of having been through the ringer more than a few times. There are moments I have found where the choice is either to throw in the towel or keep on. I have chosen to keep on.
In particular, I am grateful for the opportunity that writing this column has afforded me to reach out to other bisexuals, especially other bi men. I have to admit though that I have been challenged by having to discuss myself in such a public way. Don’t get me wrong, I fancy myself a raconteur. However, opening myself up to a worldwide audience was not the first thing I had on my mind. If I had thought about it too much, I might have been intimidated. Well, I said that bisexual men needed to be more visible and I certainly won’t ask someone else to do what I won’t. Voila, I found a vehicle to talk about the life of one bisexual man.
Further, I marvel at how my bisexuality has changed me. I went from a state of confusion, curiosity and despair in my teens and early twenties to the present state of confidence I have, a confidence hard won. First I was caught in the grip of heteronormativity, knowing there was something different about me. Then I realized that really did like women too. I felt as if I was at a tennis match-and I was the ball! Let’s not forget that it often felt easier to join the Free Masons than to find other bisexuals. There was a time that not much could be found in terms of information on bisexuality. Yet, I knew who I was and I felt I had to be true to that in spite of what I heard in general and what was said to me specifically.
Bisexuality has also awakened me and made me go deeper into myself for answers. For example, I have had to look at the various issues that I bring into relationships with women and men. Since I don’t have the ability to say, “Well, I really don’t like men” or “Maybe, I really don’t like women,” I need to look at the heart of the matters that come up in relationships, something I used to be good at avoiding. In my case, I have had to work on trust and intimacy. This work has made me a new man through the exercise of honesty with myself.
As we move into the new year, I hope you will take some time to look back over the past year. May you find something to marvel at and something to be thankful for. May 2010 be a time of renewal and hope for you. May you find new ways to embrace yourself and your bisexuality more fully.
Thank you for joining me on this journey,