A question I often get is: “how [or] when did you know you were bi, and how did you get here?” Honestly, I think some part of me has always known in some way. How did I get here and finally admit it? It’s taken 15-years-and this article will be broken up into four parts.
When I was a kid, I was a tomboy. I preferred climbing trees to dolls, and rolling around in the mud was a lot more fun than playing with dolls or house. I first notice one thing odd when one day in kindergarten, I realized there a difference between me and most of the other girls. We were five and it was the time for “play weddings”. A boy told me, if I agreed to marry him then he would let me play with his trucks. I readily agreed, for they were cool trucks! A girl nearby who was playing with a transformer overheard us, and she turned asking me — if I’d marry her she’d let me play with the transformer. I thought about it for a moment and again agreed. The idea of marrying a girl seemed natural to me too. The boy said “what about me?” and I said “well I could see myself marrying either of you — who has the best toy?” This should have been a wholly humorous story but matters don’t work out that way: the other girls who were around starting laughing and calling me and the other girl “gay.” There was that word; I didn’t know what it meant, but I knew that it was an insult. I asked my mom that evening why the girls had laughed at us, and she replied that only boys and girls get married. I couldn’t wrap my head around this – the idea seemed okay to me. But apparently something was wrong with it, so for a long time after, I kept it to myself.
As I grew, I kept it to myself, when I had crushes on both sexes, and only talked about boys. I knew next to nothing about sex; I just knew that people who got married loved each other. Even though, I hid my same-gender feelings, somehow the other kids still knew; those of us who didn’t fit in right were constantly called “gay”. I knew it was a bad word; I just didn’t get why.
Everywhere I looked were straight couples, so I figured that was how it was supposed to be and that was the only way. When I actually hit puberty though, a problem presented itself. I learned about sex and began to have sexual feelings, and I realized they weren’t focused just towards boys. In middle school, I finally had heard about gays and lesbians, and actually knew what the words meant. If a girl was “not right” in any way, the boys would call her a “lesbian”. I went to a religious school, so I began to learn that being gay was a “sin.” I had never heard of bisexuality, no one said anything about people who liked both. Between the ages of 12 and 14, I did a lot of thinking — was I a lesbian? Did I like girls more than boys? When I was honest with myself, I could see I liked both. I had no idea what that meant. So I reasoned, if I still liked boys that must make me straight, and was much relived to not be this “gay” thing that kids used to make fun of each other.